Singing in the rain...

i used to be a singer.  i used to sing all  the time.  In the car with friends?  Singing.  In line at the store?  Singing.  In the very public showers in college?  Singing. 

i always thought i was a pretty decent singer.  After all, i was given solos in grade school choir shows, and, i mean, my mom told me i could sing.  And i pretty much always believe my mom.

My doubt first arrived when i was in the phase of religiously following American Idol (this went on for the first four seasons of the show).  You know the American Idol watchers who watch it only to see the hilariously crap people who turn up in the beginning stages of auditions?  i mean, i can't really blame them because it is entertaining to an extent.  i know that a lot of this phase of the show is staged and rigged so that America gets to view the funniest and weirdest auditions moreso than the people who actually have potential.  But what baffles me is that there really are people who think they are genuinely good singers when they are actually completely tone deaf, harsh, or off-the-wall.  i would actually think that these contestants were completely fake--hired to act shocked, after their terrible performance, that they were not given a "golden ticket" to Hollywood.  But then i remember two people i know who do think they are incredibly talented and who are actually some of the worst singers i have ever heard.  It's embarrassing, really.

That was a lot of writing to say that Audtions on American Idol made me wonder if i actually can carry a tune.

The other thing that gave me doubt was that i befriended many a music major in college, one of whom jokingly told me i was tone deaf.  i didn't know that he was joking and i was crushed.  Actually, i am still crushed because i'm not entirely sure that he was joking.  But since that moment, i have been much quieter.  i don't sing in the aisles of the supermarket anymore.  i don't singer in my now private shower.  i don't even sing in the car when i'm by myself most of the time. 

And you know what?  i really miss singing.  Before i became so paranoid, singing really brought me joy.  i hate that i have become so caught up in what someone else might think of my voice that i don't just sing because it makes me feel good anymore.  i hate that this morning when i thought my mother-in-law was outside and i was singing a song as i prepared my lunch, i was completely humiliated when i looked up and saw her sitting in the next room. 

i also hate that i will never be a singer for Disney movies or Broadway.  :(  i feel a little bit blue.